Dyrk Schingman
▶IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN = I didn’t look up the original reference.

▶A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT = These data are practically meaningless.
▶WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

▶THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY = The other results didn’t make any sense.

▶TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN = This is the prettiest graph.

▶THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

▶THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES = He was my graduate student, his grade depended on this.

▶IN MY EXPERINCE = once

▶IN CASE AFTER CASE = Twice

▶IN A SERIES OF CASES = Thrice

▶IT IS BELIEVED THAT = I think.

▶IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT = A couple of other guys think so too.

▶CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE = Wrong.

▶ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS = Rumor has it.

▶A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS = A wild guess.

▶A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

▶ITIS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS = I don’t understand it.

▶AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES = They don’t understand it either.

▶THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant. 

▶A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

▶IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD = I quit.

hehe just for laugh